Hello, Internet!
I know, it's been forever since I've posted a blog. Like, years.
Life has been.... chaotic.
I've been struggling to find a balance in my struggles with my physical and mental health. Just when I thought I was getting a handle on both, the pandemic started, and I spiraled again. I'd climb out of the darkness, just to have life throw something else Big and Scary at me.
While things were practically at a stand still due to Pandemic Protocols, we discovered there was black mold in our apartment, in the walls of our bedroom. And we had to pretty much live with it, because things were pretty much at a stand still because of the Pandemic.
Several months later, we finally got out of the Hall of the Mold King, only to wind up in The Swamp of Sadness. We were in an In-Law suite in the basement of a condo, and the owners failed to disclose that if it rained, the emergency access into the basement would flood and come under the door.
They refused to do anything about it, because they wanted their insurance to sue the condo complex because it was the complex's fault that it kept flooding. Gee. Thanks for making us suffer for your genius idea.
So now we're stuck in a living place that has soaked carpets that we can't get/keep dry because it keeps raining.....
Cue an emergency move out of the city.
So ya! I'm back to living in London Ontario again! Hi folks!
While all of THAT was going on, I was also trying to get off of OW (Ontario Works/Welfare) and onto ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Program). I've been spending tons of time and energy jumping through hoops for the government. It's been taking away from my ability to live my life, from being able to focus on my own self help and personal growth. So, as of now, I'm done with their bullshit.
I finally got my ID renewed and address updated. It'll take 4-6 weeks to arrive, during which time I am focusing on getting ready to start serious focus on camming.
That's right, folks! Angie Nash, Companion, is now going to be Angie Nash, Cam Girl extraordinaire!
Stay tuned for more details, but my target platforms are Chaturbate and JustForFans.
Find me around the web, doing all sorts of things at:
Twitter
Ko-Fi (search AngieNash42)
FetLife
YouTube
Twitch
Saturday 11 June 2022
Monday 4 July 2016
What I said vs What You Heard
The theme for this post has been a long time brewing, but the launching off point today comes from a conversation with Kaelan Rhywiol (updated website here), a dear friend, and amazing Erotica writer. Our conversation arose when she asked my opinion on ablest language. My out of context reply was
Nash: depends on the sitch. Context is the only time I usually get my back up.
When it comes to myself, I quite often refer to myself as a cripple or a gymp. I call my cane my cripple stick, etc
She went on to clarify
Rhywiol: In particular I'm wondering about words like stupid, dumb, etc... saw a post saying they were ablist and not to use them... but how the fuck... if we as writers choose not to use every word with negative connotations we'll soon have no words to use at all? True?
To which I had to say
Nash: Everyone has their own, often obscure, trigger words. The day I let other ppl's perceptions make me second guess every use of every word is the day I quit the internet. *shrugs*
I think it is good practice to prevent structuring a post that may sound targeted. But use whatever lingo you feel like.
For Kaelan, the struggle stems from the knowledge that as an author and (gasp!) public internet presence, and as someone who has been tortured for the very truth of her very self, she understands, deeply, how words can harm. She would never knowingly choose to harm someone with the words she uses, but at the same time, she's a writer, an entertainer and tries to support her followers (who tend to be one variety of her own type of person or another.) On top of that, she has a professional image to craft and much as writing is a calling and enjoyment, it's also a business. The last thing she, or anyone in that position wants, is to accidentally say something to make fans feel marginalized. Especially when she's so experienced in feeling marginalized herself.
There are going to be times when you've caused some hurt feelings, yes. But there has to be a limit to the amount we police ourselves, or we risk developing at best, a complex, at worst, an ulcer. I am not above admitting that negative feedback describing me as a bigot of one form or another have caused me a great deal of personal anguish over the years.
At the end of the day, I police myself by the following concepts
1- You cannot control how others react to you, only how you react to them.
2- Something said as a generalization, while not meant as a targeted statement, has the potential to ruffle feathers. Each of us must weigh the risk vs. reward of the possible fall out.
3- It's taken me the better part of 3 decades to find the courage to HAVE a public voice. I, personally, will not allow those who choose to skew my meaning or twist my words, to silence that voice.
4- Some ppl are capital V-Victims. No matter how much you attempt to convey compassion, your words will not be welcome.
So, in closing, I'll tell you what I tell anyone who asks me about what and how they write. "Write for you first, the people you're writing to/for second, and the world at large not at all. Not everyone's opinion matters."
Nash: depends on the sitch. Context is the only time I usually get my back up.
When it comes to myself, I quite often refer to myself as a cripple or a gymp. I call my cane my cripple stick, etc
She went on to clarify
Rhywiol: In particular I'm wondering about words like stupid, dumb, etc... saw a post saying they were ablist and not to use them... but how the fuck... if we as writers choose not to use every word with negative connotations we'll soon have no words to use at all? True?
To which I had to say
Nash: Everyone has their own, often obscure, trigger words. The day I let other ppl's perceptions make me second guess every use of every word is the day I quit the internet. *shrugs*
I think it is good practice to prevent structuring a post that may sound targeted. But use whatever lingo you feel like.
For Kaelan, the struggle stems from the knowledge that as an author and (gasp!) public internet presence, and as someone who has been tortured for the very truth of her very self, she understands, deeply, how words can harm. She would never knowingly choose to harm someone with the words she uses, but at the same time, she's a writer, an entertainer and tries to support her followers (who tend to be one variety of her own type of person or another.) On top of that, she has a professional image to craft and much as writing is a calling and enjoyment, it's also a business. The last thing she, or anyone in that position wants, is to accidentally say something to make fans feel marginalized. Especially when she's so experienced in feeling marginalized herself.
There are going to be times when you've caused some hurt feelings, yes. But there has to be a limit to the amount we police ourselves, or we risk developing at best, a complex, at worst, an ulcer. I am not above admitting that negative feedback describing me as a bigot of one form or another have caused me a great deal of personal anguish over the years.
At the end of the day, I police myself by the following concepts
1- You cannot control how others react to you, only how you react to them.
2- Something said as a generalization, while not meant as a targeted statement, has the potential to ruffle feathers. Each of us must weigh the risk vs. reward of the possible fall out.
3- It's taken me the better part of 3 decades to find the courage to HAVE a public voice. I, personally, will not allow those who choose to skew my meaning or twist my words, to silence that voice.
4- Some ppl are capital V-Victims. No matter how much you attempt to convey compassion, your words will not be welcome.
So, in closing, I'll tell you what I tell anyone who asks me about what and how they write. "Write for you first, the people you're writing to/for second, and the world at large not at all. Not everyone's opinion matters."
Snapshot of My Mental Not-So-Merri-Go-Round
Where to start.
Still getting used to how the world around me feels without any meds whatsoever. That's no perscription pain killers, no anti anxiety meds, no depression meds. Let me tell you, its not as much fun as it sounds.
I've always had a Hulk like temper when my long fuse finally burns out. For the first little while, that fuse was exceptionally shorter. I've gotten back a fair bit of my thick skin, so I can at least flip through social media without either immediately table flipping or dissolving into tears. But when something finally wedges under my skin, I still have no happy medium. Rage or Despair appear to be my only levels of 'affected'.
Any time I lose my temper, I feel like a failure. I worry that I'm being vilified, whether or not I deserve it this time.
And let's not forget the ridiculous back and forth malarkey from my medical team. The Head Dr's I'd been dealing with of late lack some serious bedside manners. For ppl who's job it is to listen for a living, their listening skills SUCK!
"So what is it that you want from us?" Guys. srsly. I tried to kill myself. Pretty sure it's more or less mandatory that I now talk to someone about that, What do you think????
And then there is the fact that the Dr's are not only disagreeing about my mental diagnosis, but also what meds to take. "Well you should be taking this because, and they nvr should have put you on that because...." I am trying not to blame anyone, but it seems that the particular cocktail they had me taking before may very well have contributed to my incident in March. Thanks so much for considering that before you added yet another scrip that can potentially cause/aggravate depression.
I've read a hundred blogs that talk about Dr's prescribing or over prescribing. I do my very best to be my own advocate when it comes to knowing about my illness, my history, and my list of meds. But come on guys, one of the primary reasons I quit my job is because my cognitive abilities are affected. I can barely do my own thinking, never mind do your thinking for you.
I miss the old me. The Me who had the self confidence to be an active sex worker and sw advocate. Hell, the Me that had the ability to be an anything advocate! I can barely stand up for myself when someone steps on a nerve, these days. I either feel like I'm over reacting, or that I don't matter. Or worse yet, I get negative feed back and crumbling into a blubbering pile of self doubt. That is so not the Me I've spend decades becoming.
Oh wow. Talk about a msg from the universe. Eminem's Beautiful just came on....
My biggest challenge right now, staying true to me.
I so badly want to shout from the rooftops about what I'm going through, because I don't want anyone to ever feel like they are alone. But it hurts. It hurts to admit that I'm broken. It hurts to be broken. It hurts to face the world while I'm broken....
That's enough for now. I'm going to go crawl inside the head of one of my fictional characters, either play a video game or do some writing.
Blessed Be.
Still getting used to how the world around me feels without any meds whatsoever. That's no perscription pain killers, no anti anxiety meds, no depression meds. Let me tell you, its not as much fun as it sounds.
I've always had a Hulk like temper when my long fuse finally burns out. For the first little while, that fuse was exceptionally shorter. I've gotten back a fair bit of my thick skin, so I can at least flip through social media without either immediately table flipping or dissolving into tears. But when something finally wedges under my skin, I still have no happy medium. Rage or Despair appear to be my only levels of 'affected'.
Any time I lose my temper, I feel like a failure. I worry that I'm being vilified, whether or not I deserve it this time.
And let's not forget the ridiculous back and forth malarkey from my medical team. The Head Dr's I'd been dealing with of late lack some serious bedside manners. For ppl who's job it is to listen for a living, their listening skills SUCK!
"So what is it that you want from us?" Guys. srsly. I tried to kill myself. Pretty sure it's more or less mandatory that I now talk to someone about that, What do you think????
And then there is the fact that the Dr's are not only disagreeing about my mental diagnosis, but also what meds to take. "Well you should be taking this because, and they nvr should have put you on that because...." I am trying not to blame anyone, but it seems that the particular cocktail they had me taking before may very well have contributed to my incident in March. Thanks so much for considering that before you added yet another scrip that can potentially cause/aggravate depression.
I've read a hundred blogs that talk about Dr's prescribing or over prescribing. I do my very best to be my own advocate when it comes to knowing about my illness, my history, and my list of meds. But come on guys, one of the primary reasons I quit my job is because my cognitive abilities are affected. I can barely do my own thinking, never mind do your thinking for you.
I miss the old me. The Me who had the self confidence to be an active sex worker and sw advocate. Hell, the Me that had the ability to be an anything advocate! I can barely stand up for myself when someone steps on a nerve, these days. I either feel like I'm over reacting, or that I don't matter. Or worse yet, I get negative feed back and crumbling into a blubbering pile of self doubt. That is so not the Me I've spend decades becoming.
Oh wow. Talk about a msg from the universe. Eminem's Beautiful just came on....
My biggest challenge right now, staying true to me.
I so badly want to shout from the rooftops about what I'm going through, because I don't want anyone to ever feel like they are alone. But it hurts. It hurts to admit that I'm broken. It hurts to be broken. It hurts to face the world while I'm broken....
That's enough for now. I'm going to go crawl inside the head of one of my fictional characters, either play a video game or do some writing.
Blessed Be.
Sunday 20 March 2016
Saturday 19 March 2016
Medical Update; March 19th
Note: See Previous post for context.
Alrighty! Doctor's appointment update:
So this was a follow up appointment with my GP (Gerneral Practitioner, aka Family Dr) after my release from the hospital this past Saturday.
Topics of focus were
-referral to psychological team within my Dr's Medical Practice Family.
Results: The psyche team at the hospital was meant to see me again on the Monday, armed with pamphlets and further information. However my liver got better faster than expected, and I was discharged on Saturday.
No follow-up had been done through my GP (by them), so I will be chasing down the information they were going to provide, and then work with my GP to follow through on those referrals.
-follow up with a coping skills group via the aforementioned
Results: See above.
The coping skills group is specifically targeted at ppl with mental health issues.
-pain and symptom managements (Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, Anxiety, Insomnia, Migraines, etc)
Results: I've got the contact information for Fibro program out of the Women's College Hospital, University Health Network, in Toronto. Specifically, the group that focuses on Environmental Health. (FMS, CFS, Chemical sensitivities, etc). I'll be getting in touch with them, and from what I understand, this will be my long term tool for all things Fibro.
-blood work ordered to check up on liver function
Results: likely to be drawn on Monday, as I have a regularly scheduled neurologist appointment then, so will try to kill two birds with one stone. Thankfully this is not a fasting test.
NOTE: Hubby is off Thursdays, Fridays & Sundays. He will be attending all/most appointments with me. I already have someone coming with me for Monday, as he will not be available.
-my ten thousand questions about weaning myself back onto vitamins and the use of non Rx (rx = prescription) treatments for managing pain and other symptoms, after liver trauma
Results: I'm a professional patient, however I did not take biology or anything in classes, so things like, how a liver functions, how resilient it is, and what to expect insofar as performance and/or the need the coddle my organs after Acetaminophen toxicity (the official Dx (Dx = diagnosis) on my Hospital discharge papers), are things I have needed to ask the Powers That Be.
The Dr says I am free to slowly start taking my vitamins again, and that the non Rx methods I have asked about using for pain and symptom management all passed his inspection. He advised that I take things slow, of course, but only as a precaution, not as any active concern for my liver.
While in the hospital, everyone was shocked at how well my liver coped. I did not have any jaundice, no tenderness to the touch, and once the bad numbers started dropping back to normal, they did so in leaps and bounds.
Common consensus is because I have always been so religious about treating my liver with kidd gloves due to all of the things that I was putting in my body on a regular basis. Specifically insofar as keeping an eye out for signs of liver distress and I keep hydrated, carefully striking a balance between urine that is too dark or too clear.
Bottom line, I'm to take it slow, but everything looks fine on that front.
-possible discontinuation of previous Rx
Results: After careful discussion about my reasons to want to, and my acceptance that it may not turn out like I hope, my Dr has supported my desire to discontinue all previous meds (Lyrica, Cymbalta, Cipralex, Tramadol/Tridural). We are, however, going to try paxil for in the moment treatment of acute anxiety. That's the only symptom (panic attacks) that I don't feel up to working through on my own. Yes, meditation works for me, but I have to be able to stop spinning long enough to DO the meditation ;)wink emoticon
There will be a longer, more in depth post at a later date going into the whys and whatnots on that front.
Suffice it to say that I am excited/nervous to see how pain and symptom management go without Rx, as well as the journey to rediscover what my symptoms are without the meds to keep them in check. Bottom line is, I'm relishing my renewed mental clarity since stopping the meds, and want to do everything in my power to keep that!
-reassessment of bipolar disorder Dx (the Psyche team from the hospital is leaning towards BPD- Borderline personality disorder)
Results: I'm a bit amused about this part.
My GP and the head of the Psyche team from the hospital seem to be at nearly comical odds as to their opinion of my Dx. He maintains that it's Bi polar, and she maintains that it is borderline personality disorder.
There has been no unprofessional conduct. They have not come out and said that the other doesn't know their ass from a hole in the ground. But it's there, in the subtext.
Logically, as a Professional Patient and Life Coach, I understand that GP means general practitioner. Jack of all Trades, Master of none. And while my GP happens to have done some specific work in the areas of psychotherapy, it is his area of professional interest, not his area of professional speciality.
My GP knows more about my long term health and mental health situation up until now, compared to the Psyche Dr who has just been thrown into the middle of this at it's worst. But this is still her area of specific study.
So I will be doing my due diligence and chasing down both opinions and seeking education etc on both so that I can help facilitate a Dx so I can stay on the best track in the long term insofar as managing my mental health.
Other points:
I will also be renewing my handicap parking pass, applying for ODSP (currently on OW), and scheduling an MRI with my neurologist.
Because I've been on the meds for so long, and they have been masking so many of the symptoms, it is difficult for me to tell if there are any new neurological symptoms as a result of the recent trauma. So MRI or whatever she suggests will be in the cards for the immediate future. I'll talk that over with her on Monday during my regular check up.
I think that's it for now! As always, feel free to ask questions or offer advice, etc heart emoticon
Friday 18 March 2016
TRIGGER WARNING! An Explanation For My Recent Absense
Greetings, All.
Some of you will have noticed that I have been out of touch for a while. Some of you will know why. For the rest of you, this is going to come as somewhat of a shock. So please, do what you need to do to make sure you are braced before you continue to read.
Monday, March 7th, around 3 in the afternoon, I went through the motions of the singular most stupid and selfish act I have ever committed. I swallowed an exorberant amount of pills - mostly painkillers, the most devastating of which what an entire bottle of tylenol.
I tried to kill myself.
Hubby had gone to work. When he came home, he tried to wake me. I was verbally abusive. He assumed I’d had a bad pain day, and was drunk.
In the wee hours, I woke up vomiting. I managed to get to the shower and ran the water while I finished puking. Hubby did what came natural, started cleaning up the mess I had made from the bed to the shower.
When the puking subsided, he came to check on me, and I admitted what I had done.
911, medics, police, and a couple of friends later, I was taken to hospital. I was there until Saturday, when my physical health was declared sound enough to be released. I’d also been under the care of a Psyche team while in the hospital, and they had declared me fit to be released, with outpatient follow ups.
Those are the cold hard facts.
Now to answer the largest, ringing question; Why?
It took me a couple of days before I could give the Psyche team, and those who’d been to see me at the hospital, anything even remotely close to an answer to that. For the first couple of days, I honestly didn’t know. After a lot of reflection, I was finally able to give an answer that was the breakthrough we all needed to start feeling better, to start feeling like I was going to be okay.
I still do not have an answer to why I did it. But I can at least answer why I didn’t ask for help. Why I didn’t tap any one of the myriad of resources that I have been a staunch supporter of for me and mine.
Because I didn’t know that anything was wrong.
Coming from someone who is very introspective, and very open and honest about her many challenges, about asking for help, or a distraction whenever she’s feeling upset, this seems very hard to believe. I understand that.
I will go into my mental state during the event, at length, at a later date, suffice it to say, that when I look back, yes, I can see evidence of a pattern. A sporadic pattern over a long term, that shows me that I’ve been unplugging from life. Things as simple as not chasing down opportunities to make myself happier. Things that I know light up my life.
But, like I said, it was spread out over so long a time, that it was so difficult to recognize that pattern. The good news is, that both myself, and the Psyche team from the hospital, agree that I will in fact be able to recognize if I ever come even close to that mindset again.
I promise each and every one of you, that if I’d have realized that something was wrong, before, during, or after, I would have asked for help. I would have reached out.
The whole thing is still very surreal in many ways. I’ve been asked over and over, “What were you thinking?” That’s the problem. I wasn’t. I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t feeling. I just went through the motions.
Everytime that I think about it, I feel the terror and horror that I’d like to think I SHOULD have felt in the moment.
I have always prided myself on the fact that I have no regrets in life. That is a claim I am pleased to relinquish.
I regret what I did.
I regret that I did it at all. I regret what it has done to the people closest to me. What it’s done to the trust in those relationships. There are not enough words in the English language for me to express my feelings of apology and gratefulness to my friends, during, and since all of this.
Let me make it very clear, here, that I do NOT regret that I failed. I am VERY happy to be alive! To be able to make the most of this second chance.
I am taking this seriously. I am doing my best to be a model patient. To be cooperative, open, and honest. To not resist suggestions by friends, family, and healthcare advisors. I am also working hard at balancing taking responsibility for my actions, but not beating myself up too much.
Everything is shiny and new. Everything is novel again. I’ve always been all about the silver linings, but certainly more so at that moment. I’ve laughed more in the last week than I have in the last 3 months!
Physically, I am doing well. My liver bounced back even faster than the Dr’s had expected. I was out of the hospital a full two days sooner than we expected.
Emotionally, I am doing well. I’ve never been good at dealing with negative emotions, however, since coming home, I’ve been crying in healthy ways, and talking things out as they come up.
Spiritually, I feel amazing. My soul feels lighter than it has in years! I have a renewed perspective on life, new lows to measure against which make it so much easier to appreciate what I have. To make it easier not to complain. To be able to focus on the positives, the lessons, the opportunities.
Fibro-wise, I’m doing better than I’d have expected. I’m completely free of all meds. My pain has been much less than I expected. And my mental clarity has been remarkable. I am hoping to work with my Healthcare Team to stay off of as many of them as possible.
There is obviously a lot more to talk about. There are a lot more things to address or to get more in depth on. I am, as ever, an open book.
Please feel free to ask anything. Publically or privately.
Special thanks this week, to those who visited me in the hospital, supported my Hubby in this time of chaos, and those who have given in house assistance as I regain my feet both physically and emotionally.
I will field questions and comments as my energy allows.
I will post updates also as able.
Thank you all for you love, kindness, and understanding.
Tuesday 12 January 2016
An Open Letter To Social Media Phishermen
I recently had need to help a dear friend craft a letter to someone who had been stringing her along with a false online dating profile. With her permission, I am reposting it here, as an Open Letter in the hopes that it may make some sort of difference, either to the victims of such things, or to the perpetrators.
Please feel free to copy it for use in reply to your own false account interactions.
__________________
What is it about preying on people like myself, people who already struggle with interpersonal connections for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which are psychological scars leading to substantial trust issues, that gives someone like you so much personal satisfaction? What do you get out of it?
Why would you post a picture that isn't yours, contact a woman who is looking for truth, continue on after being advised that I don't like games, completely misrepresenting yourself? What, exactly, is the point of all this?
Now, I suppose it's just slightly possible that those pictures are really of you. If so, I'd be happy to apologize, but considering they're from a photographers site in New Zealand, not Scotland, and are over 7 years old, I do consider it unlikely.
What do you get out of it? Are you a male who can't get it up without causing someone else distress? Do you have so little confidence in your genuine self that this is the only way you can find to garner attention from others? Is it some sort of social experiment? And if so, where do you draw the line?
In any case, how do you come to terms with the inhumane games you're playing with another human being's psyche?
I feel hurt by these actions, and I cannot understand why you've done it. Thanks for another scar, I needed one, I really did.
I genuinely feel that people such as yourself are what is wrong with the world today. Maybe nothing I've said will matter, maybe you'll just laugh it up with your friends. But I'd like to think that at least something I've said today will strike a chord and make you rethink your strategy going forward.
May Karma pay particular attention to your life; she's almost as merciless a bitch as you.
Please feel free to copy it for use in reply to your own false account interactions.
__________________
What is it about preying on people like myself, people who already struggle with interpersonal connections for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which are psychological scars leading to substantial trust issues, that gives someone like you so much personal satisfaction? What do you get out of it?
Why would you post a picture that isn't yours, contact a woman who is looking for truth, continue on after being advised that I don't like games, completely misrepresenting yourself? What, exactly, is the point of all this?
Now, I suppose it's just slightly possible that those pictures are really of you. If so, I'd be happy to apologize, but considering they're from a photographers site in New Zealand, not Scotland, and are over 7 years old, I do consider it unlikely.
What do you get out of it? Are you a male who can't get it up without causing someone else distress? Do you have so little confidence in your genuine self that this is the only way you can find to garner attention from others? Is it some sort of social experiment? And if so, where do you draw the line?
In any case, how do you come to terms with the inhumane games you're playing with another human being's psyche?
I feel hurt by these actions, and I cannot understand why you've done it. Thanks for another scar, I needed one, I really did.
I genuinely feel that people such as yourself are what is wrong with the world today. Maybe nothing I've said will matter, maybe you'll just laugh it up with your friends. But I'd like to think that at least something I've said today will strike a chord and make you rethink your strategy going forward.
May Karma pay particular attention to your life; she's almost as merciless a bitch as you.
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